Handcuffs anyone? Two San Francisco police officers have been fired after being spotted in a hardcore porn movie. Up against the wall, dammit!
A German couple went to a fertility clinic after eight years of marriage. What was the problem, you ask? They weren’t having sex! Remember, kids, you won’t end up preggers unless you do the nasty.
German whore houses are being ordered to offer work experience. Who's up for an internship?
The BBC have apologized for filming a gun battle near Heathrow Airport. The actors were dressed as terrorist.
A forgetful grandfather has won around $100,000 in Australia after he accidentally bought three tickets for the same lottery draw. Atta boy, Gramps!
The House in Baton Rouse Louisiana rejected a bill that would have made it illegal for people to wear low-riding pants, which would have exposed underwear and “the cleft of the buttocks”.
A man who robbed a gas station in Norway disguised as a ninja has been arrested after coming forward as a witness. He was looking to claim a reward.
A man has become a tourist attraction in the Dominican Republic after admitting himself to hospital with an erection that had lasted six days. (I think my wrist would get tired if I had this problem.)
The Giants are beginning to play well.
It looks like I am about to get a new job maintaining electric forklifts Wish me luck.(Can't you just imagine me in that picture?)
The Republican Party is melting down.
The middle East is finally talking seriously about reform. Thanks /blame goes to the good old USA for that, however the fastest way to kill your reform would be to call it ‘Pro American’. They still hate US.
Do you remember:
The “Gleek”
Spiked hair
Checkered Vans
Finger snapping
“He who yields a prudent obedience exercises a partial control”
-Publilius Syrus, Moral Saying 1st century A.D.
“The road to ruin is always kept in good repair.”
-Anonymous.
“If one judges love by the majority of its effects, it is more like hatred then friendship.”
-La Rochefoucauld, Maxims, 1678
Did you know that the Olsen Twin both had the same nose jobs at the same Time? They went from ugly to cute (I guess) overnight! Imagine that. Check it out at Good Plastic Surgery.
Gwenyth Paltrow named her newborn baby Apple. Dude, that is just cold.
Britney Spears and her boyfriend were seen leaving an Amsterdam “Coffee shop” giggling and carrying little bags with them. Betty Ford clinic here they come.
The studio that is bringing us Halle Barry in leather in the movie Catwoman was evidently so embarrassed by the on-line trailers that they pulled the free advertisements. Gee it must be bad, but who cares, she looks great!
Lights were spotted in the skies of Mexico. Everyone thinks they are aliens. Why is it that when people see something they don’t understand they immediately jump to the most unlikely explanation, rather then the most reasonable?
High priced petrol can be blamed for this one: A guy in England tried to siphon gas out of a RV. In the morning the owners found a pile of vomit, and a tube leading from, not the gas tank, but the sewer tank, along with a pool of sewage. AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! That is hilarious!
“I ran into my Ex-Husband Emilio Estivez while eating breakfast at the Four Seasons Hotel,” says Paula Abdul to her co-judge of ‘American Idol’, Simon Cowell.
“I hope you tipped him well,” Simon says. Ouch.
Did you know that less than one percent of low carb dieters keep the weight off? Go away Atkins! Talk about laughing all the way to the bank. Moron.
Animal lovers are holding a memorial for the Mountain Lion that was shot by animal control.
Get a life, losers! This Mountain Lion was in a heavily residential area, with schools about to let out, and kids and pets were everywhere. A tranquilizer dart takes HALF AND HOUR to work. You know YOU would be the first one in line to sue if that kitty ate your child, had they not assassinated it. Fools.
Yellow jacket nest the size of a mini-van was found in Florida.
Shmitty is back!!! A one-hitter against the Cubs. I am hoping he throws against the D-backs on Tuesday, cuz WE ARE GONNA BE THERE!!!
Does no one know the difference between Art and Arts and Crafts?
Don’t-buy-gas-today-Day. I am not a believer. Unless we don’t buy gas this week, it won’t matter. Here is an idea, how about we DON’T DRIVE for one day. Unless we drive less we are still going to use the same amount of gas. Even if we did cost the oil industry all that money, they will just pass it along to you and me. Come on people!
“Might as well get comfortable with who you are. You’re going to be you for the rest of your life”
-My Doctor (Therapist)
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought. But World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
-Albert Einstein.
“To be like Christ is to be Christian.”
-William Penn, last words, 1718
Martha Stewart reportedly weighs in at a whopping two seventy five of late. Her friends say she is terrified of being locked up.
Hollywood Ho Heidi Fliess stated in an article that the Lesbian rate going into prison is “Five percent going in, ninety five percent while in, six percent coming out; a one percent conversion rate.” Cheer up Martha! Look on the bright side.
Of all the Electronics superstores, I like Comp USA the best, but why are they always so understaffed?
A Woman celebrating Mothers day at a Cracker Barrel in Newport News Virginia found a mouse in her soup. She was hospitalized and later released. The Restaurant claims that they buy the soup from a supplier.
Mariah Carey wants to design children’s clothing. Will she never go away?
A couple of Texas cops pulled over a limo. It was filled with a drunken bachelorette party who mistakenly thought the cops were strippers. They are in jail.
A stallion outside of Warsaw Poland became aroused by a nearby mare. It began fighting with it’s owner. The owner tried to calm the lusty steed and was trampled to death. Score one for the horny horses.
Again in Poland riot police were attempting to quell a riot. They shot rubber bullets into the crowd and ....oops. Some winner mistakenly mixed real bullets in with the rubber ones. One rioter is dead. Poland, you are almost as bad as Florida when it comes to idiot mistakes.
During a festival of worship in a little village in Mexico, a drunk parishioner and a drunk priest began to argue. Soon they were trading blows. The priest draws his trusty 9mm and blows the dude away. One is dead, the other in jail. Score one for God!
Who said the following recently:
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!”
Answer? Long-time-backup-turned-starting quarterback Tim Ratay when his groin muscle came loose from the bone the first week of mini-camp.
Also the sound of all Forty Niner fans.
Remember these terms?
That was cold.
That was tight
Poseur
Wannabe
Yeah it is
Red necks are up in arms because there is a law being passed somewhere, I’m assuming in the South (I didn’t catch the whole story) that would outlaw broken down cars on front lawns. Rise up, Hillbillies!
I remember my sister Margaret when she was a little girl and first began to talk. Her interpretation of the word ‘Cantaloupe’ was “Kameloke”. I still think that’s funny.
Does no one else find the name ‘Coos Bay’ funny? I do. “Where ya’ headed Roy?” “Coos Bay!” Sounds like something one would say before a first date.
Playboy had so much success with their pictorials ‘The women of Starbucks’ and ‘The women of Wal-Mart’, that they are now doing ‘The women of Home Depot’. I will hazard to guess that ‘Self employed models’ will be lining up at Home Depot to try and get jobs so that they might end up in Playboy. Will they be found in the wood section or the carpet section? Follow your dreams, skanks!
The new Lexus has windshield wipers that can sense rain, as well as TV cameras that allow you to see what is behind you. Can’t drivers tell all by themselves if it’s raining? I wonder what the beggars of Calcutta think of such features.
I was able to stomach a couple of minutes of Rush Limbaugh recently. I found myself agreeing with him. Why? Because he will allow only the most idiotic of Liberals on to his program to better illustrate the fact that all Liberals are retards.
By the way, Liberals, insurgents beheading a civilian contractor, video taping it, and then releasing it on the Internet is not the same as an errant missile accidentally killing some children. They do it on purpose. They hide behind children on perpose. We don’t. Even the worst of the “Prisoner abuse scandal” was nothing in comparison.
Liberals, our Military is taking great pains to avoid collateral damage. Great pains. They are not. Quite the opposite. Believe it or not we really are trying to make it better over there. We won't.
Tiger Woods makes seventy six million dollars every year.
The Porn-Actors-with-AIDS-scare is over. You will be glad to know that the industry is back on their back, and working hard at being worked.
Passionate VS intense. I try to be passionate. I come across as intense. I try not to overdo it.
“I am a Muslim. These people are not Muslims. These people don’t know which end is up.”
-Restauranteur that I know.
“Your heart can get you into serious trouble. Follow your brain.”
-Me
“I have enjoyed watching your relationship blossom.”
-Guy I used to know who later came out of the closet.
GLOC:
“I could have had class. I could have been a contender. I could have been somebody instead of a bum, which is what I am.”
-On the Waterfront.
“Unto whomsoever much is given, of him shall much be required.”
-Bible, Luke 12:48
How To Shower Like a Woman
> > >
> > > 1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper
> > according to lights and darks.
> > >
> > > 2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband
> > along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
> > >
> > > 3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note
to
> > do more sit-ups.
> > >
> > > 4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long
> > loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.
> > >
> > > 5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added
> > vitamins.
> > >
> > > 6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
> > >
> > > 7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced
> > with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for minutes...
> > >
> > > 8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes
> > until red.
> > >
> > > 9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body
> > wash.
> > >
> > > 10. Rinse conditioner off hair.
> > >
> > > 11. Shave armpits and legs.
> > >
> > > 12. Turn off shower.
> > >
> > > 13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with
>Tilex.
> > >
> > > 14. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country.
> > Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
> > >
> > > 15. Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs.
> > >
> > > 16. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
> > >
> > > 17. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > How To Shower Like a Man [Image]
> > >
> > > 1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave
> > them in a pile.
> > >
> > > 2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake
> > weiner at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
> > >
> > > 3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of
your
> > weiner and scratch your ass.
> > >
> > > 4. Get in the shower.
> > >
> > > 5. Wash your face.
> > >
> > > 6. Wash your armpits.
> > >
> > > 7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
> > >
> > > 8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they
> > sound in the shower.
> > >
> > > 9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
> > >
> > > 10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the
soap.
> > >
> > > 11. Shampoo your hair.
> > >
> > > 12. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
> > >
> > > 13. Pee.
> > >
> > > 14. Rinse off and get out of shower.
> > >
> > > 15. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain
>was
> > hanging out of tub the whole time.
> > >
> > > 16. Admire weiner size in mirror again.
> > >
> > > 17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
> > >
> > > 18. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass
> > wife, pull off towel, shake weiner at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound
>again.
> > >
> > > 19. Throw wet towel on bed.
For those of you that don’t know, Pat Tillman was a former Arizona Cardinals safety in the NFL. When 9/11 happened he felt that it was time for him to do his duty as an American, and like his Father and Grandfather, he joined the military. Recently he was killed in Afghanistan. According to people who knew him, he was an extremely selfless individual. He left millions behind to protect his country, and he payed the ultimate price. His family held a public memorial for him. If he were still around to say so, he would not have liked attention his death attracted; he would have said that his death deserves no more attention then that of any other soldier.
For that very reason, I believe he deserves to be held up as a role model.
Time now for Frank’s fun restaurant stories!
I recently overheard some local restauranteurs telling a story that goes something like this: This couple came in the other night and ordered the Kobe Beef (probably the most expensive beef in the world). Just before it came out they both got up, payed the bill, and hurried out. No to-go box, they just payed and left. Why?, you ask. Because they suddenly realized that American Idol was on and couldn’t miss it. Un-freaking-believable. Get a life, losers!
I recently took part in one of the most humorous activities ever. As some of you know, Skye and myself went to a Giants/Dodgers game at SBC park. Needless to say we drank many beers. We even ate dogs, out past the right field fence. While we did this the Dodgers came out to do BP (batting practice). We, of course, in our drunken insanity, spent the entire time screaming insults at the Dodgers who had taken the field. We insulted them, their mothers, their wives, their kids, etc. I don’t think I have ever laughed so hard in my entire life-awesome! Not only was it allowed, but it was expected. Good clean fun.
The Iraqi prisoners of war have been humiliated by the US soldiers. I find this appalling, as do many Arab countries who are now screaming bloody murder. Countries who use much worse forms of torture, I might add, not as a means to humiliate, but as a means to terrify as a matter of common practice. We are such barbarians. How dare we.
Dear Soldier: Do you not realize that these Arabs will now use your photos and video tapes to justify killing more of US? Just wondering.
Not to belabor the issue, but Ladies, in my humble opinion, fake tits are extremely unattractive. The only time fake tits are attractive is when you can’t tell they are fake. What do you Fellahs think?
A Qantas Airlines customer found a live Tree-Frog in her salad.
A couple got to a-fightin’ in Saginaw Michigan. He bit her. She, finding nothing else of immediate use, counter-attacked with a stuffed swordfish. He is being treated for numerous puncture wounds. She is in jail. Love can make you crazy, don’t you think?
I have now been doing my job long enough to know the regulars at the bars on a first name basis. Not the owners, or the employees, but the customers. How sad, I need a beer.
Remember these terms?:
Don’t be popping off.
Badness.
Bvvvvt.
Face!
Sweet.
Tits.
Kid rock, the rock and roll, hip hop, cowboy, porn star, rapper. Go away, dork!
Dear everyone: Learn how to Communicate dammit! If you have a problem, figure out what it is, then TELL ME. What is on your mind? What are we, high school girls, for goodness sake, talk!
Cellulite Cellular bitch; a few hours ago, while driving a white van full of chemicals, an older lady, with bleach-blond hair, in a red Mercedes Benz, on her Cell phone, with her rear-view-mirror turned so that she could see herself-not me, pulled out right in front of me. Out of the way, Ho, what, do you think you own the road too!
“A sage thing is timely silence, and better then any speech.”
-Plutarch, the Education of Children, c. AD 100.
“What other dungeon is so dark as one’s own heart.”
-Nathaniel Hawthorne, The House of Seven Gables, 1851.
“Maybe it’s not too late to learn how to love and forget how to hate.”
-Ozzy Osbourne, Crazy Train, AD 1981.
“Sometimes you just have to start over.”
-Me
Go Sharks, and as the Canadians would say, 'Peace oat!'