Question: Why are there bus stops at crosswalks?
Question: Why do they still print receipts on that thermal paper that doesn’t last?
Question: Why are we trying to point the finger at a particular political party or administration for the attacks on 9/11? I thought the terrorists did it. They aren’t going to do that again.
Question: How long before the Olsen Twins end up on a sex video tape? They might be good in the Coors Light commercials, if nothing else.
Question: Why would you name a product that goes down your throat ‘Chlor-o-septic’?
Question: How long before Paris Hilton gets breast implants? I say a year.
By the way, ladies, small breasts are still attractive. I just thought I’d let you all know.
Also, I’m going to pass along a little analogy. Blond hair and big tits are like a red Ferrari. Just because every one turns to look as it goes by, doesn’t mean they want one.
What is the big deal about the rights of the “enemy combatants”. Throw the bastards into a hole for all I care. They were caught fighting the U.S military in Afghanistan. Even if they are U.S. citizens it means they are traitors as well as terrorists. We Americans are such spoiled brats. That is partly what got us into trouble to begin with.
Spanish troops are now at home. Score one for the Terrorists.
I love the bathrooms in France. They have those little water fountains right there next to the toilets. You can get a drink if you're thirsty, it’s great.
Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee got back together for a little while. Then Tommy hit her up (no pun intended) for money. He is facing bankruptcy. She reportedly stormed out saying “I can’t believe you would use me like that.” I have two words for you, Tommy: Porn industry.
Get a life, losers. Michael Jackson is a twisted freak. Deal with it. Oh yeah, his music sucks too (no pun intended).
The fact that the insurgency in Iraq might have been pre-planned by Saddam, before the U.S. ever arrived, is encouraging to me. It might mean that these skirmishes are only temporary. I sure as hell hope so. I will gladly eat crow, as well as suffer through another term of Idiot-in-Chief being in office, if it means that 1) less of our soldiers will die, and 2) the Iraqi’s get the peace and stability that every human being deserves.
The Healdsburg Bar and Grill’s phone number is one number away from the local rehab farm. I imagine them getting those 'cries for help' from people who've hit bottom. I think that’s kind of funny, though I know it really isn't.
Imagine this as a SNL, or Dave Chappelle type comedy commercial:
A guy delivers a package to a customer. “It’s a COD delivery, and it will be one hundred twelve dollars and sixteen cents,” says the delivery guy.
“Okay,” says the customer, “Here’s the twelve sixteen, and I’ll go get the hundred.” He goes back into his house, gets a C-note, puts it through the Hp printer, prints it, and brings it out to the delivery guy.
“Here you go.”
“Thanks,” says the delivery guy, “have a great day”.
The customer, smiling, waves as the van drives off, and over this scene the announcer says something like: “H-P printers; reproducing life. Talk to your local H-P dealer or visit H-P dot com today.”
T-shirt: ‘Sex is a-lot like fishing. When it's good, it’s great, and when it’s bad, it’s still pretty good.’
Forty year old Nicolas Cage is now engaged to a nineteen year old sushi waitress. Can we say pre-nup? Can we say trophy wife? Can we say mid life crisis? Half, Nick, half, just like Eddie once said. No kitty is worth that much.
That reminds me of a great movie line from Harlem Nights.
GLOC: “Her pussy so good, if ya threw it up in the air, it would turn into sunshine.”
“Were all in this thing together.”
-Rodney King
“We will go most safely in the middle.”
-Ovid, Metamorphosis, c A.D. 5
“Be not the first by whom the new are tried,
Nor yet the last to lay the old aside.”
-Alexander Pope, An Essay on Criticism, 1711.
Alright everybody I’m sorry about the late addition to the FrankFiles but I was in Utah last week for my Brother’s graduation from BYU. As soon as I got back we were off to Tahoe for some much needed vacation time.(You would not believe the number of wedding parties that we saw in the Casinos. Talk about tacky.)
Utah. Un...freaking...believable!!
Never in my life have I wanted more badly to drink and smoke all the time then when I was in Utah. This, ladies and gentlemen is the backwater of the free thinking world that many of us believe we live in. We don’t. These people make the rest of the Bible belt look like San Francisco. I my friends, am pissed, so get ready.
The death toll in Iraq has now passed the seven hundred mark. These people, and their idiot president continue to believe that theirs is a righteous fight.
“The fact that George Bush is stupid is not what’s scary. It’s the fact that he really believes that Jesus is on his side.”
-A friend my Mom brought with her for moral support.
This got me to thinking.
Muslim Wacko: “Halla ka malla ka allah kalla mallaklah!!!” (Praise Allah! He is on our side!)
Christian Freak: “Praise Gawd for he will stand with us.” (No, God is on our side)
Muslim Wacko: “Kalla kalamalla makalla kalah!” (They are heathens. Allah be praised!)
Christian Freak: “Let us not falter during this test of faith.” (We shall prevail against evil.)
Muslim Wacko: “Challabalalbalalbahhhh!!!!” (Die infidel dogs!!!)
Christian Freak: “We shall fight this threat to our freedom!” (We are right. They are wrong.)
BANG BANG BANG!!!
(See, now you’re dead! Ha ha! God has to be on our side.)
In my opinion Fanaticism is Satan’s work. If it weren’t for the moderates the fanatics would be killing each other. If it weren’t for the US, or Saddam, the Iraqis’ would be killing each other. All we have done is stirred up a hornets nest and put a target on the backs of every one of our boys. Way to go prez.
The Republicans would scream bloody murder every time Bill Clinton sent troops to maintain peace and stability, yet Dubya has spent Billions, making the world less stable and more unsafe.(We have Saddam yet still no DMDs’) Look at all the brainless sheep that follow and continue to tow the company line, without really thinking, because their President is against abortion, and is a Christian. I simply don’t get it.
Enough.
By the way, have any of you noticed that the comma and I don’t have a very consistent relationship?
Yay, Franks fun tips on how to....oh heck with it.
Franks fun tips:
Fellahs, try this one at home. The next time you are out, try ignoring the hotties. Especially the ones who know, or think, they are hot. This drives them crazy. You can tell if they are into themselves by how loud their body language is. Are they acting like teenagers even when they aren’t? Do they laugh loudly? Do they flip their hair? Do they prance? If so, then these are the ones who go nuts if you pretend they don’t exist. Try living this for a while, especially if you are single. I think one of two things might be happening:
1) They are so used to every guy in the room checking them out (I admit it, we do) that they see it as a challenge. These types will usually try to get your attention and when you finally do look, they look away. (Gotcha!) Also they will glare at any female who is getting your attention, such as your friend, girlfriend, wife.
2) Then there are the ones, I think, who suddenly feel safe enough to express their own interest in you. These are the cool ones.
Also Fellahs, try this at home: LEARN HOW TO LISTEN. Usually it’s the women who know how to do this, but for we guys, it is a learned skill. I know I am still learning it. This is very important for a healthy relationship.
“Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe”
H.G. Wells, The outline of History.
“The only creatures who will survive a Nuclear holocaust will be the Cockroaches and the Mormons.”
Me
“I call it the Book of More-money.”
My Boss, on the Book of Mormon.
“Yeah, and you puked all over the place too.”
My Dad, on the fact that I took my first plane flight when I was six months old.
I’ve been busy this week so I don’t have too much to say, so I will ramble on about relationships.
Yay, more of Frank’s fun tips on how to have a healthy relationship with another human being!
Ladies: You want a man who is not a macho jerk? You want a guy who is considerate, thoughtful, loving, attractive, funny, and straight, right? Hold it. What kind of guys are you attracted to? Macho jerks? Charmers? Dudes with money? Ask yourself, is what I want and what I’m going after the same thing? Do you know the difference? Do they?
I don’t know about you, but for me, the ladies with the most KAPOW!! are the ones I should stay the hell away from. They are trouble. What about you? Have you thought about it? In my opinion there are two very different things at play, and guys, listen up cuz this goes for you, as much, if not more then the ladies. The two things are:
1) Sex appeal
2) Beauty
Two very different things. Number one hits you right away, usually. Number two comes on slowly, usually, as you get to know them. Sometimes you get both at once. If you do, then consider yourself lucky.
Also, remember, you can’t change who a person Is. Nobody can. Not even them, though they might try for a while. What you can do is work together to smooth out the rough spots, and IT WILL NEVER BE PERFECT. The secret is to keep working at it. If one of you is not willing to do this then the relationship is unhealthy.
Girls, Marriage will not keep you happy, nor will it make you happy if you aren’t already. Only you can make you happy.
Fellahs: SIZE DOESN’T MATTER! No I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about a little tiny thing that you won’t really understand. That’s Ok, you’re a guy, you aren’t supposed to. Do it anyway. What is it? A gift. Perhaps it’s a tiny wildflower you picked off the side of the road on the way to her place. Maybe it is a toy from a box of Cracker Jacks. It doesn’t matter. If you tell her it’s especially for her SHE WILL LOVE IT. Not because it is big or expensive or any of those things, but because it was from YOU. Do this every now and then. A flower. A card. A tiny toy of her favorite animal. Whatever. Do this and you will be rewarded with sex!
Oh, yeah, last week I wrote that 'Lost in Translation' won a Grammy. Some film critic I am. It's an Oscar, stupid. Sorry.
Is it just me or does no one else get the ‘Chinese food, hamburgers, & donuts’ shops?
Did you know the Molly Ringwald turned down two roles in the early nineties? One starred fellow brat packer Demi Moore, and made her one of the most highly payed actors in Hollywood at the time. That movie was ‘Ghost’. What was the other? It starred none other then Americas’ sweetheart, Julia Roberts in ‘Pretty Woman’. Ouch, and double ouch.
Fireworks are illegal in Sonoma County now. Cars have sensors that turn on the headlights automatically when it's dark or cloudy.
If you live in a foolproof world, soon it will be filled with fools.
Oh no! Tom and Panelope Cruz/Cruise have split up! Whatever shall we do? Tom dropped hammer, then dropped her. She then ran crying back into the arms of her lover, Matthew McConaughey. Poor poor thing. She is obviously taking it hard.(I bet they give it hard too)(sorry I couldn’t help it)
GLOC:
“As you all know the winner of this months sales promotion is a Cadillac El Dorado. Anyone want to know what second prize is? It’s a set of steak-knives. Third place you're fired.”
Alec Baldwin in ‘Glengarry Glen Ross’
“Worship me Pigs.”
Judy Tenuta
"When a man tells you he got rich through hard work ask him:'Whose?'"
Don Marquis
Yours truly, always opinionated but never judgmental, I have to go now cuz tomorrow we will get up early, board a bus, drink tons of beer and arrive at SBC park to cheer on the Giants. BEAT LA!!!!
Good Day.
You know you’ve transcended cultural and language barriers when....
I was taking care of this Mexican restaurant in Napa and I set my black bag of tools down. When I finished the stop, I went looking for the tools but couldn’t find them. The guys, most of whom don’t speak very good English wanted to know what I was looking for. “My black bag of tools. Bolsa negra.” They began looking with me. Soon I found the bag under a flattened cardboard box and when I turned around to tell them I had found it, they were holding up a woman’s black purse. “Here it is! Ah ha ha!” I realized then that they were truly ‘Amigos’ (literally meaning ‘of mine’).
When the first thing I see in the mailbox is a pair of lace covered breasts from Victoria’s Secret, or Macy’s I say, “Skye, there’s tits in the mailbox again! Get the breast repellent, quick!”
Is it just me or do the people in skin tight outfits riding ten speeds all look like chicks from behind? Maybe it’s the finely sculpted asses and shaved legs.
There is a restaurant in Vallejo called the China Barn. Really.
Why do they make movies starring fifteen-year-olds that are PG-13?
Men who have more orgasms have less chance of getting Prostate Cancer. They think this is because carcinogens accumulate there. Three to four times a week is good. Less is bad. Break out the Vaseline boys! (I wonder if the Mormons get a-lot of Prostate Cancer.)
By the way, Prostate Cancer is more common then Breast Cancer. In fact, If I understand things correctly, every man will sooner or later get Prostate Cancer, if he lives long enough. I guess that means more orgasms will put cancer off longer.
Vitamin water. Huh? Yeah, that’s right, Vitamin water. I found myself standing out in front of a restaurant waiting for the owners to show up, when an eighteen wheeler carrying Vitamin water pulled up. I studied it.
Now I don’t know what they charge for a bottle of Vitamin water, but I will hazard a guess, that it is about the same as a bottle of Snapple. So here is what I came up with. They take water. They remove all the minerals and chlorine and bad stuff from the water (they purify it). They put one Vitamin into the water, and one herb. They bottle the water. They give it a cool name. They send it out in trucks. They charge a buck fitty for said water.
Am I missing something or is buying a bottle of Multi-Vitamins too much work for people?
Did you know that ten percent of the world’s land is protected?
I was listening to N.P.R. (National Public Radio) recently. They were discussing, of course, Iraq. They were talking to a bunch of Iraqis who were all saying that they would band together to oust the foreign invaders from their precious homeland. Then, they went on to another story, one about the Sudan. The UN spokesperson was crying out for the US to step in and stop the wholesale slaughtering of innocent people going on there. These are some of my thoughts.
1) Why the hell do they not talk to Iraqis who do want US to be there? I know they exist. In fact,I know they are in the majority. For now.
2) Why are we the first to be blamed when things don’t go perfectly? We aren’t purposefully blowing up little kids. They are.
3) If we are so horrible, why is everyone standing in line and crying out for the help of US?
Needless to say, this is why I listen to sports talk all day. I used to think that sports were for the ignorant, for those who didn’t want to know what was really going on; what mattered. Now I am thankful for the distraction.
Now for more analysis.
We are in a situation over there that is a lose/lose for US. We are being fought by rebels “If we come across as weak, then the Arab world will not respect us. Strength is respected by the Muslims.” So says the people who know such things. That means that we have two choices. Back off, and loose the respect of the people who we are trying to help. Also, we will once again be breaking promises to those who we seek to protect. Or, we can step it up, and fight. If we do that, then they will take us seriously, but, it will continue to spiral out of control.
We cant win.
Also, if the Muslims respect the strong, then my thought is this: Look what good its done them.
Way to look ahead, Dubya. How many more Americans will die before this is over? How many Iraqis will die? You suck ass! The American death toll has moved past six hundred, most of them occurring after President Moron declared victory.
How is it that most of the world doesn’t trust our President. But all the polls here show our Presidential Candidates neck-in-neck? We really are a Nation of ignorant fools.
I watched 'Lost in Translation'. It's good, but an Oscar? I don't get it.
“When you are single it seems like men come in herds.”
-Old female friend.
“Lets go out. Maybe we can rustle up some women.”
-Old male friend.
GLOC:
“What did the five fingers say to the face? - SLAP!!”
-Dave Chappelle
“Fear is the main source of superstition, and one of the main sources of cruelty. To conquer fear is the beginning of wisdom”
-Bertrand Russell
(How funny, Burtrand Russell was underlined by my spell checker, but Bertrand Russell wasn’t)
Well what do you know, they found a bomb on the train tracks between Seville and Madrid. I guess pulling the Spanish troops out of Iraq didn’t change a thing.
What a bunch of losers. These clowns have nothing better to do then blow innocent people into little bits. Yay! Blowing people up. What fun! May every last one of these dirt-bags contract leprosy of the nads.
Oh yeah, another thing you may hear me complain about, but really isn't a problem.. my boiler.
Speaking of boilers, I said this to my fellow co-worker, Tom: "Are you losing weight? I thought you had a bigger boiler then that." Lucky for me he is a happy go lucky guy. Reminds me of Terry Bradshaw. He just laughed and said, "Frank, don't ever change." Upon reflection I realized a better way to have said that would have been, "Are you losing weight? You look great!" Live and learn.
After writing on the subject of the parties, warriors, spaceships and other such things that constantly parade through my brain, it got me to thinking. What If I were to hang a sign around my neck that advertised what was going on within? Such signs might read:
1) Vacancy.
2) Live music, dancing.
3) Beer, Wine, Liquor.
4) Live nude girls.
5) Food, next exit.
6) May contain chemicals known to the state of California to cause cancer.
7) Help wanted.
8) Dead end.
9) Caution: Spaceship X-ing
10) May contain subject matter that is not suitable for children.
Etc.
On the subject of things running through my head....
Do any of you have a Gastroenterologist, or GI? He’s the Doctor who shoves a tube with a fibre optical video camera up peoples’s asses to have a look around. I find this subject amusing. I imagine my GI at a cocktail party, holding a martini in his hand, when the following scenario takes place:
“So what do you do for a living.”
“I’m a Gastroenterologist.”
“Oh, you’re the guy who shoved tubes up people’s asses.”
“Uh...,well..,that’s not all I do.”
I told this to my GI, and he said that he was at a cocktail party and someone came up to him and said hello. My GI didn’t recognize him so the guy stuck his ass in the air and said “Now do you recognize me?” You have to maintain some sense of humor regarding such things. We all get the tube eventually. It could save our life.
Do any of you find discussing the properties of ones stool amusing? I do. I think they should name a band ‘Stool’. It’s just a funny word. Stool. The thing that goes under your ass.
Now, enough about stools. No wait, not yet.
When I was in my other office, the office where you do other business, (or do I say, when I was on the stool, depositing stool?) I found myself face to face with a large tub of cat litter. I don’t know about the rest of you but sometimes I find myself contemplating strange things while on the throne. Such as the complexities of the patterns on the tile or linoleum. So, there I was staring at this cat litter box, and this is what it said:
Hard clumping action. Multiple cat formula. Long lasting control.
Am I a pervert, or are those statements only a few letters away from being the cover of a porno mag, or male sexual enhancement pill?
Our President is a moron.
A man and his mother were pulled over while driving the wrong way on a highway in Utah. They had gotten lost eighteen hours earlier while looking for their auto mechanic who they insisted was only about five miles away. It turns out he was only five miles from their home in Los Angeles!!!
A woman in Texas was shot while warming fish-sticks. Someone in her house hid a loaded revolver in the oven. Listen, genius, don’t hide loaded revolvers in the oven. Got that? (Inbreeding; it’s every ones’ problem.)
Blaze the weapon sniffing dog in Iraq was targeted to be killed by the Iraqi rebels. They tried to run him over with a truck. He lived and continues sniffing out guns, grenades and explosives. Good dog. I guess running over a dog is too tough a job for those winners to handle.
And get this: Apparently there are such things as rape fantasy chat-rooms. Well in one of these chat-rooms two consenting adults decided that they wanted to live out their fantasy in real life. Now I understand that the idea of taking or being taken forcibly can be a turn-on. Whatever. So the woman gives the man written permission, along with her address, and they decide to act out this ‘rape’. The guy shows up and attacks the young woman, who kicks him in the balls. Hard. He stops and askes her what her chat-name is and guess what, this woman doesn’t even own a computer. Ooops. He got the address wrong, and is now spending some time trying to explain all of this to the L.A.P.D.
Do I have to spell it out? The moral of that story is: For goodness sake, DON’T LIVE OUT RAPE FANTASIES WITH STRANGERS!!!! Good Lord.
Former N.B.A. basketball player Calvin Murphy was accused of child molestation by five of his daughters. It turns out that this guy has fourteen children by NINE different women. Can you imagine what the holidays are like for him? Try some birth control dude.
GLOC:
“If you don’t take this money then I’m gonna worry, and I don’t like to worry. I get ulcers.”
Joe Pantoliano in ‘Bound’
This movie made me a ‘Joey Pants’ fan. See it. It has hot lesbian action and that’s not even why I like the movie! That is saying a-lot for the movie. It was written and directed by the Wachowskis’, the guys who wrote and directed the Matrix series. See ‘Bound’ and watch Joey Pants’ performance. He is incredible. Did I say see it? See it. Now.
“I’m Ozzy Osbourne, the King of Heavy Metal. Things could be worse.......I could be Sting!” Ozzy Osbourne.