Why am I expected to tip the chick who gives me a five dollar cup of coffee?...and after waiting in line for fifteen minutes?
Speaking of lines, there was a line of one car at the ‘Oil Stop’. I thought I would save some time, so I pulled in. An hour and fifteen minutes, and $44.00 later, I pulled out. Question: Can you guys just change the FREAKING OIL FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!!!!!??????? Unbelievable!
A twenty two year old Munich man beheaded his Mother with a Samurai sword when he was asked to move out of the family living room. Can we say decaf?
The most expensive gas in US history is guess where........in the Bay Area.
I believe Politicians should change their minds. It shows a willingness to become a more intellectually sound person. I believe everyone should change their minds from time to time for that matter.
Did you know that the United States Navy has no less then twelve aircraft carrier groups? That, my friends, is a lot of military power. It’s kind of scary, but would you rather the Chinese had them instead of US?
Bose Audio gear is over rated. Samsung, although it does not have the boutique image that Bose enjoys, is just as good, and less expensive. At least in the opinion of the tech guy I listen to on the radio.
Terrorists are reportedly going to target Texas oil rigs. Are these murderers actually thinking for a change. Nah.
A guy in England slashed the tires of five hundred and forty six cars.
Costco shareholders are pissed-off that the Corporation is treating its employees too well, and that their profits are down.
This is one of the reasons that I am hesitant to take part in The Stock Market. The only thing anyone cares about is profit. Maybe it’s just me but isn’t there more to life then profit?
I would like to give these shareholders a great and hardy UP YOURS on behalf of the people actually doing the work. Unbelievable.
Question: What would be worse, being Richard Simmons, or being the guy who is suing Richard Simmons for pimp slapping him. As melon scratchers go, that one’s a doozy.
Setting the record straight: Sometimes you people might hear me address certain issues when in idle conversation. These issues are not so much real concerns of mine as they are just fun to talk about. Such issues might include, but are not limited too, the following:
1)My heterosexuality.
2)My sanity or lack thereof.
3)Infidelity to my Wife.
4)My wife’s infidelity to me.
5)The size and/or ability of my manhood.
6)S&M (“Please Mistress Chloe, I beg of you...”)
Also, if any of you hear me say things and wonder to yourself “What the hell is he talking about?” believe you me, you are not alone. I myself wonder the same thing sometimes.
Also, the never ending parade of characters and scenarios’ and music and dancing that goes on in my mind, is quite entertaining to myself. The real world, however, sometimes fails to find said characters amusing. If you ever hear me say something, laugh uproariously, and find that I am the only one laughing, that’s OK. I understand. Please don’t feel bad. I don’t.
Also, if you ever see me sitting in the corner by myself and laughing at nothing in particular. Don’t worry I’m fine. The same thing if I have that smirk on my face, and that gleam in my eye. You might not get the joke anyway.
“Do you see all those stars up there? Are there any Nigger stars up there?”
Richard Pryor
“I ask to be free. The butterflies are free”
Charles Dickens
GLOC:
“I’m not becoming like them Maggie, I am them.”
From Donnie Brasco
Picture this: A twenty three year old woman on a plane flight freaks out and pulls off her shirt and bra (hold up, fellah’s, and wait till you get to the end cuz, trust me, it won’t matter). “We’re all gonna die, we’re all gonna die!” They try to subdue her but she squats down in the aisle and wait, oh no, don’t NO,NO, NOT THAT AAAAAHHHHHHGGGGG!!!!!!! Yes she does. Right in the aisle.
Where was the plane going? To Australia.... AAAAAHHHHHHGGGG!!!!!!!.........A fourteen hour flight. Bummin’.
The people on the middle east who actually do want a more Democratic state, are branded as American stooges and are not willing to speak out. How is that for Irony? That is why you don’t want to piss off the people you are trying to help. They don’t trust us. We have a legitimacy problem and a credibility problem. That is a big problem.
Would you at least get it straight Mr President Alfred E. Newman. Are we there to make US safer or to free the Iraqi people? Both? Neither? You don’t know? Hello? McFly! Anybody home? You have really made a mess over there Mr. Idiot. I predict that you spend all TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTY MILLION DOLLARS OF REPUBLICAN CAMPAIGN MONEY and still loose. Hah hah!
On the other hand....
Al Qiada blows up over two hundred people in Spain, and a few days later Spain disengages from Iraq. How is that for sending a message to the Terrorists that they can get what they want if they blow people up?
Would Spain have left Iraq anyway had no-one been bombed?
Would the Terrorists have blown them up if they had not been involved in Iraq?
Will the Terrorists leave the Spanish alone now? I bet they don’t.
These colors don’t run..the World: Bumper sticker.
Pop star Pink was at the Beverly Hills Hotel parading around topless. No-one complained until she started playing her CD. They finally kicked her out when she told the following joke:
What’s the opposite of Christopher Reeve? Christopher Walken.
Remember sharing seatbelts or sitting in laps? Or how about when a parent put their arm out to hold you into the front passenger seat, when they put the break on really hard, as if that would hold you in?
Guys how many of you, at some point in your youth, actually thought this: That the chick cutting your hair is pushing her crotch into your shoulder because she wants to turn you on? Come on, be honest. Now we know why they put those things over our laps.
While we are on the subject of youth, I would like to share something that I found in my old Creative Writing stuff. Something from when I was a little punk. Not a punk rocker but a little punk kid.
Let me set the stage. I was tired of hearing poems by girls about how depressed they were. I wanted to hear and write about such mature subjects as dragons and magic and swords and stuff. When the teacher told me to write a poem, this is what I wrote:
“Lighten Up” by Franklin Glover
I sit in woe and ponder the agonies of life. What did I do to deserve such pain? Remorse washes over me like hot chocolate, its sticky, wet sweetness enveloping my every fiber and clogging up my nose. I speak, “Trees, who shade my downcast eyes, what say you to my sorrow? Do you in your leafy mind, see me as a creature of pity, to be looked at and said ‘poor thing?’, or do you think of me as an ugly thing, not even worthy of a worms second glance?” I rend my clothes and tear out my hair in grief. Again I speak, “Oh clouds in the heavens,” I say, “Be thee only friend to a lost soul who needs guidance? You who shed tears almost as much as I, must surely pity my woeful sadness.” I cry out to the ground below my too large feet, “ Ground, made of dirt, and trodden upon by all, do you understand the oceans of pain that gush within my tormented soul? If so, then I beg of you, give me a sign, an indication of your sympathy.” My mind is dark and cold, like old coffee. Above, the birds seem to mock me. They flit and flirt, and frolic above me, and leave their mark upon my stooped shoulder. Tears flow from my eyes like tidal waves. I am deserved of no one.
I still think it’s hilarious, though I am a little ashamed at my insensitivity.
“The only thing that Babe Ruth put into his system was meat, beer, and strange.”
-Radio talk show host, Jim Rome, on steroids in sports.
GLOC:
“You should be kissed and often, and by someone who knows how.”
I cant remember who said this. Help me out it you know.
Have a great weekend.
A woman in Georgia tried to get change for a MILLION DOLLAR BILL at a Wal-Mart. Can you imagine? “Can you change a million? Do you have nine hundred ninety nine thousand nine hundred and thirty two dollars and sixty cents in change, in your drawer?”
This just in!!! Recent studies reveal that..........Americans are Fat!
McDonald’s discovered that their salads have more calories than their burgers. Why? The dressing.
A woman’s place is in the house the senate and the oval office; Bumper sticker.
Angalina Jolie was picked by the Olympic Committee to be a goodwill ambassador and to carry the Olympic Torch. She told them that between six and seven PM was good for her. She is the first person in history to dictate to the Committee, when she would be able to carry the Olympic Torch.
A woman lost her ten day old newborn daughter in a house fire six years ago. Recently she attended a party with an old friend and her old friends daughter. She took one look at the six year old daughter of her friend and knew that it was hers. She calmly managed to collect a strand of the little girls hair, took it to a lab, and guess what? It was her six year old daughter. Her “friend” is now in jail and looking at charges of arson, kidnaping, and robbery.
If I had made that story up, no-one would buy it, but it really happened. Recently. Here’s to a Mother’s intuition!
The Tony Bruno Morning Extravaganza Radio Show essay question of the day: “Hey essay, what up wit duh Lakers man?”
John McCain for Vise President! Now wouldn’t that be a stab in the back to the Republican Party. These two would most assuredly win. They would also mend the rift between the two schools of thought, the right and the left, a rift that has been widening and deepening. That rift is not healthy for this country. McCain and Kerry would cross the aisle for Americans who want to work together to build a better world. But it would surely piss off the extremists in both camps, people who I find arrogant, self-righteous, closed minded, and un-informed. Rome wasn’t built in a day, but it was built. Things don’t change overnight, but they do change if enough people work hard at it and COMPROMISE.
Jerry Rice will not stop playing football. Perhaps when he ends up in the Arena League, playing on special teams, and returning kick-offs he will decide to retire.
A lady in Florida ate a salad and managed to eat a piece of a finger tip. She “thought it was a piece of gristle”. Needless to say, lawsuits are pending.
In Minnesota they are passing a law prohibiting people from watching porn on their car DVD players. Both hands on the wheel folks, both hands on the wheel! And you thought Cell phones were bad.
Do any of you have crazy babysitter stories? I know I do. I would love to hears yours.
I remember a friend who had a babysitter. When my brother and I would visit and she would drive us around she had a rule. Whenever a cute guy was spotted, we were all supposed to duck, so that the guy wouldn’t think we were her kids.
I also remember a babysitter who would watch us after school sometimes. One day on a weekend, she was over, helping out, and so was another guy, a helper my dad had hired. His name was Jeff, and they both went to Sonoma Valley High. Jeff was under the house doing some kind of repair work and I remember my brother shouting down into the access hole things like “Hey Jeff we know you have a crush on Kelly! We know you are in love with her! I bet you have a boner right now!”
I remember trying to tell him to shut up, but I couldn’t because I was laughing too hard.
Tequila. From what I hear, way back long ago, some Mexicans played a prank on a stupid Gringo, and put a worm in the bottom of a bottle of Tequila. The Gringo was amazed at the worm, and thought it was the best Tequila he had ever tasted. Stupid Gringos have been buying Tequila with worms in the bottles, ever since.
Often when I am delivering products to my customers I think to myself, 'Self, someday there will be the Hand-Truck-Delivery-Boy-Olympics for guys like me. When that day comes, I will be ready!'
Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but wouldn’t Gay families’ adopting babies be a good thing in the minds of anti-abortion people? More wanted babies. You’d thinks so, wouldn’t you?
According to Tom Tomorrow, In Revolutionary times, wives became property. Also in slaveholding states, slaves, even freed slaves, were not allowed to marry. And as recently as 1967, sixteen states refused to recognize mixed-race marriages.
Sorry George W, but the “institution of marriage” has been changing and evolving for centuries. I think Dick Chaney should put you in time-out until you can play nice.
“A child has an inalienable right to not have his or her genitals mutilated (circumcision) until it is old enough to decide for itself if it wants to be mutilated down there. Parents should leave the poor things alone.”
Dr. Dean Edell
“You do not truly know someone until you are forced to fight them.”
“Open not thy heart to every man, lest he requite thee with a shrewd turn”
The Bible, Ecclesiastics 8:19
GLOC: "Free your mind and your ass will faller."
From the movie Platoon
(Did you know Johnny Depp was in Platoon?)
(He was also in the first Nightmare on Elmstreet movie.)
Alright friends and neighbors, I am going to dedicate this FrankFiles to the term “Mass Sociogenic Psychosis.’
But first let me say this. I would fight and perhaps kill, or die, for your right to believe whatever you want. I would fight for your right to believe whatever and IN whomever you felt was worth believing in. There is, however, a caveat.
Whatever you believe in better not infringe upon what I believe in, because that would mean that one of us is getting less freedom then the other. That is called unfair. You can’t have it all. You can’t have it both ways. You can’t have your cake and not allow me to have mine too.
So religious people everywhere, know this: I believe very strongly in your right to believe what you want. But you absolutely can not tell ME what to believe in. Nor can I, you.
Fair? I think so.
Now, on to mass psychosis. I was reading a piece of paper that came with a medication that my doctor gave me. It was one of those free samples they get and can give it to you to see how well it works. The piece of paper stated the molecular content, the active, inactive ingredients, the delivery mechanism, absorption rates, binding, and other such fun leisure reading. It also included my favorite subject, one that you might hear about a-lot on the FrankFiles, and that is, PLACEBO EFFECT.
Check this out. These were the following symptoms that were HIGHER on the patents who received the placebo then the patents who received the ACTUAL MEDICATION!!! Respiratory Infection, (14% to 9%) vomiting (6% to 4%) dizziness (6%-1%). I love it!
In my opinion this applies to every one, not just the devoutly religious. We all fall pray to these tendencies, even when we know we are susceptible.
I love the stories of people getting sick in a building, because they know the painters are scheduled to be there, and then it turns out that the painters never came.
Or the examples of sickness spreading by line of sight, or of information (people get sick when they hear people are getting sick), rather than, lets say, the ventilation system.
I have spoken with the extremely religious and they tell me that according to medical conventional wisdom they are all schizophrenic because most of them believe they regularly converse with the almighty.( I find this very unsettling because when people think that God is on their side, they are capable of not just great good, but great evil as well, and no one can talk any sense into them)
My point is this. If you want to force me to do something, then you better have a very good reason. You also better have something on your side that I, for one, do believe in, and that is THE FACTS, or at least a great deal of empirical evidence. Otherwise it is just a belief and yours is no better then mine.
Lecture over.
Here are two openings to two of my very favorite all-time best books to read. Notice the love of the written word, how it creates a magic painting, a feeling, like a wizard casting his spell, lovingly, on the reader. Read them aloud to yourself, savor each word, taste it, roll it around in your mind, and off of your tongue. Yep, just like that.
“It was a pleasure to burn.
It was a special pleasure to see things eaten, to see things blackened and changed. With the brass nozzle in his fists, with his great python spitting its venomous kerosene upon the world, the blood pounded in his head, and his hands were the hands of some amazing conductor playing all the symphonies of blazing and burning to bring down the tatters and charcoal ruins of history. With his symbolic helmet numbered 451 on his stolid head, and his eyes all orange flame with the thought of what came next, he flicked the igniter and the house jumped up in a gorging fire that burned the evening sky red and yellow and black. He strode in a swarm of fireflies. He wanted above all, like the old joke, to shove a marshmallow on a stick in the furnace, while the flapping pigeon-winged books died on the porch and lawn of the house. While the books went up in sparkling whirls and blew away on the wind turned dark with burning.
Montag grinned the fierce grin of all men singed and driven back by flame.
He knew that when he returned to the firehouse, he might wink at himself, a minstrel man, burnt-corked, in the mirror. Later, going to sleep, he would feel the fiery smile still gripped by his face muscles, in the dark. It never went away, that smile, it never ever went away, as long as he remembered.”
-The opening of the book ‘Fahrenheit 451' By Ray Bradbury
“I always get the shakes before a drop. I’ve had the injections, of course, and hypnotic preparations, and it stands to reason that I can’t really be afraid. the ship’s psychiatrist has checked my brain waves and asked me silly questions while I was asleep and he tells me that it isn’t fear, it isn’t anything important-just like the trembling of an eager race horse in the starting gate.
I couldn’t say about that; I’ve never been a race horse. But the fact is: I’m scared silly, every time.”
-The opening of the book ‘Starship Troopers’ by Robert A. Heinlein