Gather round kiddies cuz I’m here to say,
Michael Jackson is goin’ away!
Jacko’s case is getting weaker. The prosecutors raided the home of his friend the video producer and guess what they found. A script.
His lawyers went to work trying to discredit his accuser and they came up with a video clip of the boy and his parents talking about how much they loved Michael.
The script that they found; it contained the exact same words that were used in the video. Guess what else. Two more kids, kids who had absolutely no possible connection with the first accuser, or each other, have come forward, and they are all saying the same things.
Goodbye Jacko, I for one, won’t miss you. Don’t worry, I’m sure you will get all the ass you want... in jail!
As for Kobe, it looks more and more like he is only a mere adulterer. Although he is still no hero in my book, it looks as if the chick who is accusing him of rape, may very well be doing some jail time herself. Good.
I do not follow this type of thinking:
I don’t think people should eat meat so you can’t eat it.
I don’t agree with abortion so you can’t have one.
I don’t like people being gay so you can’t be.
Stop paying so much attention to me, and what I do, and start focusing on yourself.
The Catholic Church has been accused of Child molestation by TEN THOUSAND CHILDREN!!! As many as four percent of the clergy has been accused.
These are the people who want to tell me how to live my life.
The Passion of the Christ opened yesterday and it got me to wondering. What did Jesus have to do with money, oil, capital punishment, war, USA, and guns???? As far as I know Jesus was not a member of the Republican party.
Now, lest I become misunderstood, I do not have a beef with the moderate conservatives. The people who don’t point fingers, who don’t want it all, who don’t judge. I feel for you, because you are under attack just as I am, by the far right wing wacko’s.
Dear Wacko: If we are all a bunch of heathen sinners then we are going to rot in hell correct? Then why do you care so much about what I do? Are you going to be judged by what your neighbors are doing? I never quite understood that. Let the sodomites wed each other if they want, who cares? You’re still going to heaven regardless aren’t you?
You and I are also under attack by the far Left as well, but the far Left is much less organized, and much less well funded, though just as delusional.
Example: If pacifism is the way to go and even if ninety nine percent of the world practiced that way of life, the other one percent would still rule the world. All they would have to do is break out a machine gun to get what they wanted. In other words the dirt-bags would rule the world. That is why I believe that sometime things are worth fighting for. It’s a nice idea though.
Live, local, and late breaking news:
The number one group of people to get speeding tickets and traffic accidents are..ready?
Students!
Wow that is amazing. Wait, that’s not the point. Everyone knew that already. The number two group?
Doctors. Third, lawyers, fourth architects.
Last, Farmers. Second to last, Firefighters.(presumably because they know first hand not to be crazy on the road)
Once again President Bush is doing something that Bill Clinton was ridiculed mercilessly by Conservatives for doing. He is sending troops to Haiti.
Words to live by, by Anne Frank:
“Think of all the beauty still left around you, and be happy.”
Anne, that can’t be touched.
This weeks FrankFiles are dedicated to lists. It is a celebration of my twentieth FrankFiles. Lets give a great big Special Ed, Yaaaaaaaayyyyyyy!!!!! By the way, you will all be glad to know that I received many free drinks in Tahoe on my birthday while at the slot machines. Yay!
Franks tips on how to have a good and healthy relationship with another human being.
Guys:
If she is upset about something, don’t take it personally. It might not be you.
Ways to respond to an assault of upsetfullness:
Incorrect; don’t sit there until you are totally annoyed and then say something like:
1)"Why don't you just tell them all to Fuck off!!”
2) “Then quit, if you hate it so much.”, or,
3) the ever-so-common,“What the hell do you want me to do about it!”
Correct; keep your mouth shut and say things like:
1) “I’d be pissed too,”
2)“absolutely”,or,
3) “I know exactly how you feel.”
This is not called bullshit. This is called handling things properly so they will blow over. If the problem is not you then all they want is a sympathetic ear, trust me, it’s worth it. Now, Ladies:
Guys are really very simple animals. Unlike yourselves they usually require little more then the things that fall into the following categories:
1)Sex (sex)
2)Meat /beer/weed (food)
3)Cars/stereos/guitars/ power-tools etc.(toys)
4)Sports/music/ and sometimes politics (see how smart I am)
If the guys aren’t handling their part above properly, then chances are, they aren’t getting much of the first item on my list.
Problems arise when these things spiral out of control, and resentment leads to anger which leads to cheating and break-ups. Stay tuned for more of Franks tips on how to have a good and healthy relationship with another human being, or FTHHGHRWHB for short!
Franks Corporate I-hate-you-list:
1)Starbucks
2)Wal-Mart
3)Blockbuster
4)Mc Donald’s, but not the breakfast, and especially the advertising
5)IHOP (I call it I-slop)
6)Best Buy, but only the customer service department
Franks fun things to call people when you are driving around (but only if you are sure they cannot hear you). Fill in the blank with whatever name is appropriate.
“You cut me off you, #@#$& _____________________!!!!”
1) Jackass
2)Crack whore
3)Inbred hillbilly
4)Toothless old hag
5)Cellulite cellular bitch
6)Gutter-slut
(If you live in San Francisco #2 and #6 are usually the same thing)
(and sometimes #4 too)
Franks list of things that every shopping center and strip mall has:
1)The grocery and/or drug superstore
2)The Video store
3)The Chinese food place
4)The Mexican food place
5)At least two fast food chains
6)The nail salon
7)The mailbox/copy place
8)The liquor/convenience store
9)The Cigarettes-are-cheaper store
10)The donut/coffee shop
10)Radio shack
I heard something about the congressperson in Utah who didn’t want to tax strip joints because he said it was dirty money. Isn’t it all dirty money?
Wait a minute. Strip joint in Utah?? That can’t be right.
(Inside joke) They are now using the tag-line ‘Crack open a Bass’ in radio ads.
Someone is reportedly putting up two hundred grand for the eight hundred phone number, eight- six-seven-five-three-oh-nine. That’s funny.
Oh yeah, about last week's 'local bookstore' comment, I remember why it struck me, It was the Astronomy section, and the Astrology section was bigger. That's lame.
Ok, time to make enemies from both sides of the political spectrum.
Gay people getting married. Next thing you know women will get to vote too.
Something that never ceases to fascinate me:
The fear of the unknown vs. the urge to explore.
We human animals have these two traits for very good reasons. I see my cat and how she always wants to be out or in, depending upon whether or not she is out or in. What she really wants is for the door to remain open so that she can sit there and view her surroundings. I see this as very essential to survival in the wild and I imagine cats doing just that back in the day, sitting at the opening of their dead tree trunk and watching the outside world, ready to disappear into safety at the first sign of danger.
When I watch kittens I see how they venture out, tentatively at first, into the world, checking it out, exploring. This urge is how we eventually discovered the New World.
I believe that the issue of Gay marriage has to do with the fear of the unknown. Every Nation believes that it is the best one and the most beloved of God. If this were not the case then the Israelis and the Palestinians would not seek to blow each other up with such gusto and conviction. Our beloved President would not seek to reshape the middle east in the image of the US if this was not a common and recurring theme among humans. The Germans believed they were a superior race. The Japanese thought so as well. Manifest Destiny, the list goes on.
Memo to the world: NO ONE PERSON IS MORE SPECIAL THAN ANOTHER!!! Get over it, you uneducated, self absorbed, narrow minded fools. The human race will explore on. We will conquer space, and then, we will someday, learn the real mysteries of the cosmos, mysteries that are much more awesome and fascinating then any ancient book could hope to describe.
Please, humans, learn from our exploration. Change your mind. Know that you don’t know, and evolve your thought process. Don’t cling to old beliefs like a drowning man clings to a deflating raft.
By the way, Liberals, if you don’t want to continue giving all that oil money to the Saudis then we are going to be forced to develop the oil that lies beneath the our very own land in the Alaskan Wildlife Refuge. When we do, I am sure that the small number of roads and pipes and pumps that are built, are not going to harm the wildlife. If they do then you can rest assured that we will hear all about it. Or..Are you willing to GET RID OF YOUR CARS??
These are my humble opinions. Prove me wrong. I love to be proven wrong. It enriches my world.
Words to live by, by I can’t remember:
“Love people, use things, not the other way around.”
Words to live by, by my good friend and real estate agent:
“It is a good day when you have one, treated yourself with love, and two, treated others with respect.”
My version of the above:
“Have you loved yourself today?”
GLOC:
“Come on, lets go make fun of your mother’s hair.”
Red, from ‘That Seventies Show’.
It saddens me that, when I go to the local bookstore, the section on science is smaller then the section on metaphysics. Fools!
Last week's FrankFiles were written by me, not Canyon. I originally started the column from Canyon's computer so it registered as his entry. Blame me for whatever I say, but he is innocent.
Not that I have any sympathy for child molesters or rapists but Mike Tyson is reported to have a paltry five thousand dollars to his name. According to some sources he was once worth as much as four hundred MILLION. How do you spend that much money? Also, wacko Jacko is supposed to be close to broke as well. Do you think that erecting an amusement park in your backyard is a sound financial investment? I wonder if legal problems had anything to do with this.
Speaking of rapists, a woman accused the St Johns Basketball team of gang raping her. Come to find out they gang raped her after she agreed to it, and allowed them to give her six hundred dollars for it. She then demanded four hundred more or she would accuse them of rape. It’s a good thing they have video tape of the event otherwise they might all be in jail.
In my opinion the only thing worse then a rapist, is a woman who uses the threat of rape as a means to get their way. Not only are these ho's making it harder for the women who have been harmed, not only are they potentially ruining a mans life, but they are doing it all for their own selfish and personal gain. The women who do this are the worst creatures to ever slither out of the rotting stinking slime. There is no hell worse enough for these bitches.
George Bush is telling all that giving back money to the country’s richest people has caused the economy to recover. He is saying nothing about the deficit. He has also justified the war by saying the citizens of our country are safer now.
Are the citizens who happen to be in the military safer, George? Why does the terror alert keep going up and down and up again. Where did that ricin come from. George? You have a-lot of nerve George. I hope you drown in your own oil. By the way, your approval ratings are slipping George. You are going down. For the same reason your Father the grinch went down. Because of Saddam and Iraq. How poetic.
You know what’s depressing? All those Chechens that the Russians have been slaughtering-if it was not for our dependance on the oil for all of our cars, the Russians would have no reason to hold on to Chechnya. Do you think Poland would be free today instead of Chechnya if it had oil? I don’t think so. Drive on, Americans drive on!
Farewell Grammy. You will be missed. My love to those who grieve.
Ah yes, the question of gay marriages. Why does it matter? Does it matter that they might try to raise kids? News flash. They already are. In the land of the free, you cannot stop freedom. The Bible states that homosexuality is a “abomination in the eyes of God”. So, does god hate homosexuals? Are they sinners? I don’t know. Perhaps we should let God decide, not us!
Do you know why stress causes digestive problems? I will tell you. According you my doctor when stressed out, your heart rate increases and adrenalin increases. Your body goes into fight or flight mode, and blood goes to your brain, and limbs, readying itself for the oncoming threat. When this happens on a regular basis, soon your body can’t go back to normal and when you eat, the blood that would be surrounding your stomach, is not there, thus digestive problems.
Words to live by, by me:
“Instead of being pissed off and calling people names, because the world is not a perfect place, lets all sit down and do what we can to make it better then it is.”
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses, yearning to breath free.”
Emma Lazarus, and inscription on the Statue of Liberty.
GLOC:
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses, yearning to breath free, so they can all live in their own little neighborhoods, all separated out from the rest of ya’s!”
Archie Bunker
The following are all replies that British women have put on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details.
These are genuine excerpts from the forms.
1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.
2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.
3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks.
4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.
5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.
6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.
7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.
8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?
9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro Disney; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.
10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, I might have remained unfertilized.
11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.
The legislature is going to vote on a law that would move the last call hour from Two AM to Four AM in San Francisco, Alameda, and San Jose counties. Call your politicians!! Get involved!! PARTY!!!!
A man who was in the process of stealing frozen crab, locked himself in a minus sixteen degree Celsius freezer. That translates to around colder then shit degrees Fahrenheit. If he hadn’t had a cell phone on him he would have died for sure, say the cops. The moral? If you are going to steal frozen crab, always bring a cell phone.
Esteem. Ones self esteem is the way in which one views ones self. Sorry Offspring, but it is not possible to be “ a sucker with no self esteem.” Low self esteem, yes, but not none. Unless you are an ant.
A little old lady went to her drawer during a blackout and grabbed a candle that she knew was there and had been there for a long time. It was just what she always did during blackouts and this one was no different. Except the fact that someone thought it would be funny to replace the candle with a quarter stick power firecracker. The lady lost her hand and most of her house.
A man was reportedly exposing himself to Amish kids. I wonder if he chose the Amish, because they couldn't call the cops. Sick!
Coach Bob Knight flew into a rage when he was congratulated on the fact that he hadn’t flown into any rages recently. Has no one learned? Don't feed or bother the animals.
Oprah. A magazine about Oprah, with Oprah on the cover of every issue, and it still makes money. Did she sell her soul to the devil?
Small crooks get arrested. Big crooks get elected. (Bumper sticker)
Al Gore the third got busted for pot. How? He was driving around at two in the morning with his headlights off. When pulled over the Officer noticed that despite the sub zero temperature, all the windows were open. When searched, the Officer found a crushed soda can that smell of marijuana smoke. You just couldn’t make up better stuff then this.
Remember when Curt Cobain died? Older people said, ‘ah well, that’s what happens to drug addict rock stars.’ I remember an article in some magazine, it said ‘well if that’s all he was then why do all of your kids have his albums?’
The dollar store in Marrydale California was getting ripped off,...stop,...that is funny already, but wait, it gets better....of women’s panties,...it gets better...the Police follow a trail of women’s panties down the street... there’s more...to the bedroom of a sixteen year old boy. Done.
An old man in Florida dies and the Hospital has no way of notifying his family because he had an old drivers licence with him. Three weeks later the family finds out that Grandpa died because they get a seventeen thousand dollar hospital bill in the mail. I guess that tells us that when motivated properly, folks can do ( or find ) almost anything.
Oh my, Janet Jackson's breast was exposed during the Super Bowl half time show! Whatever shall we do? I know, lets make jokes.
What is the difference between Michael and Janet Jackson? Not much, but Janet waits for the little boys to undress her.
Every one was looking at Janet Jackson's breast during the half-time show, everyone, that is, except Michael, who was looking at Justin Timberlake.
"Indeed, I tremble for my country when I reflect that God is just."
Thomas Jefferson in Notes on the State of Virginia
"I'm glad to have had boys, let someone else's Mom worry."
Dean Edel's Mother.
Words to live by, by me:
“The world is plagued with incompetence.”
GLOC:
“I go now to the place of my Fathers, in whose mighty presence I will not be ashamed.”
From, The Lord of the Rings, The Return of the King.
Check ya later. We are going snowboarding for my 34th!