Who invented the small lettuce shreds that come on my Burger King chicken sandwich? I would like to thank that person for thinking up the food that will for ever and ever, fall into my lap as I drive. What the hell is wrong with simple lettuce leaves?
Frank’s list of fun words say:
Behold!
What the.....
Atta girl!
Flee.
Words that are more fun when they are spelled the way they sound:
A hunnerd fitty ‘ollers.
Chockichip cookie.
‘S,coo’. (That’s cool)
Atta girl!
Mofuckah!
Beeatch!
Aight. (Alright)
Also, just why is the Grim Reaper, grim? What is his problem? Does he need a hug? Is he feeling rejected and lonesome? I think we should call him Reaper. Perhaps that would cheer him up a little.
Does anyone remember the porno drive-in theaters? Can you imagine living near one. Sorry kids it's night-time. Gotta close those curtains.
I read an article about eating and something stuck in my mind. It went something like this:
“When I sidle up to the buffet table I invariably ask myself ‘sweet or salty’ and the answer is invariably ‘yes’.”
The Terrorists have won. Why? Because they have called so much attention to their cause. They have also forced the U.S. to act in such a manor as to alienate the world against us, while swelling their own ranks. Three cheers for the victorious terrorists!
Also, terrorists don’t have an army or a nation from which they might wage their conflicts. They have only their own minds and bodies and perhaps a couple of AK 47's. The word ‘terrorist’ is just a term. It is a word that we use to demonize those who fight, but who don’t have the luxury of fighting with an organized army.
The following are things that have been said to me by the White trash bartenders that I run into on my routes:
“You might be married but you are not dead.”
“Women go after bad boys and then when they find one they try to turn him into one of their girlfriends.”
“Women are like cookies. They go all to pieces when you eat them.”
“Our customers make us happy. Some when they come in. Some when they leave.”
GLOC:
“The nice thing about high school girls is no matter how old you get, they stay the same age.”
From Dazed and Confused.
Props and thanks to Canyon for helping me get this little weekly rant off the ground. I seriously look forward to it every Friday. May I never run out of things to say, or people who care to check out what that might be.
Congratulations to Canyon and Kirsten for bringing a bouncing baby girl into this world. I know she is going to be smart, loving, beautiful. Just like her parents. It will be a pleasure watching them all flourish as humans. The picture of me holding her at five days old will be one that I personally will treasure. I hope I get to embarrass her with it, by showing it to her future boyfriends.
My deodorant is called Ocean Mist. Once again the ad execs in New York penthouses get credit for this little gem. The last thing I want wafting from my person, is the scent of fish and salt.
I noticed a sticker on a dumpster. It said 'Do not play on, in, or around, or occupy this container for any purpose.' At some point the garbage company had to say ok enough‚ we need a sticker. Think about this for a second. Yikes.
Don‚t cry because it's over, smile because it happened.(Bumper sticker)
The Space program is a very good thing, people. When Columbus sailed the ocean blue he did not say, "I should be taking care of the continent I already have. I should not go exploring." Exploration will and should always go on. We should never be afraid of what we find. We should treat discovery with caution, but never halt in the face of uncertainty. "We should take care of planet Earth first", cry the Liberals. Fools!
On a related note Fetzer Vineyards in Mendocino county has backed a proposition that would ban genetically altered foods from the county. Fools!. What the hell do you think Luthar Burbank was doing here in Santa Rosa, all those many years ago. Who invented the Nectarine? How do you think we got the seedless grape? The fact that it is on a genetic level and not by hand is academic. We will never feed the world, Liberals, If we don't learn how to make more efficient food!
Forge onward into the unknown, say I, for only there shall we discover the underpinnings of the universe!
It finally happened! Oh my! Whatever shall we do? Ben and J-Ho broke up, the marraige is off! Agghh!!!! My heart is rent asunder. I guess all those strippers that Ben was seeing and that professional nipple tweaker she employed, finally took it's toll. What a shame. Train wrecks are so much fun to watch.
A Florida man thought he was shooting a hog. It was his son who was wearing a black cap. I guess hogs wear hats in Florida. Remember folks, it's not guns that kill people its IDIOTS WITH GUNS that kill people.
Did you know that the champaign glass was fashioned after the shape of a women's breast? It was.
In the State of the Union Address GWB said that steroids are bad. Really? TELL THAT TO CALIFORNIA'S GOVERNOR!!!!
By the way, dubya, it is Nuclear. Nu-cle-ar. Sound it out. Have Dick Chaney read it to you after your bed-time story. It is not Nu-cu-lar. You'd think a President would know.
Soup is not food. Soup is little pieces of food floating in brown water. If you take several bowls of soup, fish out the little pieces of food, put them all on a plate, then you would have food. As in a meal. Soup, however, is not food.
Manchester Monarchs Hockey team is bringing back mullet night. "Every night is mullet night at a hockey game." says sports talk show host Jim Rome. Jim also said "It sucks when you know you are smarter then your country's President."
Denis Millar says: " I believe we should keep one out of two buck that we earn and that the bad guys should get croaked before we get croaked. If that makes me a conservative then sign me up." Indeed, Denis, indeed. Now I remember, you got let go of the Monday night Football gig, because you were too smart. None of the viewers got you. I get you.
GLOC:
"All I have in this world are my balls and my word, and I don't break them for nobody. You understand me?"
From Scarface
Behold, tiny humans or suffer my wrath! I am the almighty Shmank. Evil twin of Frank. All of you shall flee in terror before me, or be enslaved to do my bidding! Bow, tiny humans, bow! My presence calls you to obey, heed the call, tiny humans!!
HEED....THE....... CALLLLLALALALALALLLAAAAAAAH!!!!!
sorry, i just had to get that out of my system, oh look, my medication
there, that’s better... now then...
Michael Jackson’s fans are gathering together outside of his arraignment to protest the pop star’s innocence. Unbelievable! How the hell do you fans know if Michael Jackson is innocent or not. Were you all there?
Question: Are there any Amish names other then Jacob, Isaac, and Jebadiah?
I hear Conservatives say, ‘what’s wrong with cutting down trees? They will grow back.’ Sure they will. Some of them might even be back in five thousand years. To me that is like saying ‘Lets tear down all the Cathedrals. We can always build more.’
When Carol Mosely Braun (I really don’t know if that is how you spell it) resigned from the E.P.A. John Stewart of The Daily Show said:
“Carol Mosely Braun resigned from the Environmental Protection Agency today. It was widely publicized that she and President Bush disagreed about policy regarding the Environment. Apparently she wanted to protect it.”
I think that SWS is not limited to Paris Hilton, but also to her co-ho Nicole Richie (Lionel must be so proud). This is what she said, on camera, at a Lakers game:
“I love Kobe Bryant. I want him to have sex with me.”
(If you don’t know what SWS means then go back to FrankFiles2.2.)
Dear Rappers and Hip-Hoppers:
If you were so bad ass then you wouldn’t have to spend all of your time telling everyone how bad ass you were.
Ozzy crashed an ATV. Wow.
Question: What are they going to give him for the pain?
Another question: Who let that guy on an ATV? He cant even talk or walk!
Alright everybody I have banged on George Bush a lot recently. Here is something interesting from a Newsweek’s Middle Eastern columnist, Fareed Zakaria:
“For 15 years now Pakistan has found a cheap and effective way to fight over Kashmir-by helping Kashmiri militants in their terror tactics. September 11 changed that game. It stigmatized terrorism and gave India a crucial ally on this issue-the United States of America. Suddenly Pakistan found that supporting terror had become very costly indeed.
But something equally important has happened in South Asia over the past 15 years. India has been transformed by a market revolution. Globalization has come to every part of the country, whether in the form of a call-center gob, a Chinese-made toy or American-inspired television shows. Suddenly Indians want to compete. And they are. Last year India’s economy was the second fastest growing in the world, at 7.4 percent. Its business leaders speak confidently of becoming global players in their fields. In this Indian future, a continuing cold war with Pakistan is a drag.”
He then goes on to say:
“Last week, however, we have had one small, encouraging counter-example. It turns out that Libya’s decision to renounce its nuclear program was crucially pushed by Kaddafi’s son - trained at the London School of Economics-who urged his father to help Libya rejoin the world and the world economy. the father could see only the stick. The son also saw the carrot.”
In other words, as translated by me:
Not only does the world change as it is bathed in blood, but so too is it changed when it is overrun by KFC, McDonald’s, and Wal-Mart, - the free market!
Who is that nice young lady in the ‘Underworld’ trailers. Cate Beckensale? I like her outfit (I hear it is a terrible movie). Nice pooper.
Ever think about the term “riding shotgun”? I wonder if it comes from the old stagecoach days. I bet it does.
Here is something for anyone who eats, but first a lesson in biochemistry.
When glucose molecules (sugar) pass from the gut into the blood stream, the pancreas releases insulin, a hormone that activates cells to absorb the glucose. Once muscle, fat and other cells sponge the excess glucose from the blood, insulin levels go down.
This is how a body gets its energy, or its ability to move, think, do.
Some foods release sugars into the bloodstream faster then others. This is indexed by something they call, glycemic load.
Got that? Good.
“After a snack or meal with a high glycemic load, blood sugar levels rise higher and faster than after a meal with a low load. The insulin needed to stuff all that sugar into muscle and fat cells also blunts the activity of glucagon, a hormone that signals the body to burn stored fuel when blood-sugar levels fall below a certain point. Glucose levels plummet as a result, leaving the brain and other tissues starved for energy. Concentration flags, muscles get shaky and the body perceives an emergency. In search of a quick fix, the gut and brain send out hunger signals long before it’s time for another meal. And if you respond to these signals by downing another high-glycemic snack, the cycle repeats itself. The fluctuating sugar levels and elevated insulin levels lead to excessive snacking-and calories.”
How do we avoid these bad habits? Get your crayons ready.
Ready? Okay
Penut butter is vey good. Also lowfat yogurt. Protein, and low load glucose.
Eat plants. Often.
Whole grains, not processed.
Brown rice, not white.
Legumes (beans or nuts)
Legumes
Legumes
Good fat like olive oil, or vegi oil, not saturated fat, as in cheeseburgers, lard, deep fried stuff.
Stay away from those chips, fries, and candy bars. These are fast to come and fast to go; high glycemic load.
Potatoes have a high glycemic load.
Unless it is whole wheat, pasta is high load food.
If you don't believe me ask your doctor, or a REGISTERED DIETICIAN. (Not an herbalist or a 'nutritionist', or a holistic, eastern, chinese blah blah blah)
Speaking of dieting, my Aunt told me that when her husband lost weight, their friends asked him what his secret was. His secret was:
“I exercise more, and I eat less.”
“You wouldn’t believe the mail I get from people saying that I talk too much about matters that lie ‘below the waist’. For goodness sake, half of the body is below the waist!”
Dr. Dean Edell
GLOC:
“A hand job is still a job you know.”
From Reno 911
I learned a valuable lesson recently. I will share it with you now, constant reader.
You know how it is when you have to call a bank, or a credit card company, and you need to talk to a real human being, but you have to wait through about a half an hour of “Please select from the following options”, or “Or you can visit our website at...”. This sucks. And it is a waste of valuable lunch hour time. These two helpful tips will make this experience much easier.
1) Press zero or star until it says “Please hold while we transfer you to our next available representative.” Usually you have to do it three times. Keep at it. (Don’t worry about eating while doing this. You still have a ways to go.)
2) Get a speaker phone.
Many of you have most likely figured this one out, but for those of you who haven’t, it is a godsend. You can even walk away, take a leak, scratch yourself, and come back. Most likely when you are done the horrendous on-hold-muzak is still playing. (Personally I play video games while I wait. But then I play video games constantly anyway so this should be no surprise.)
When it comes to trees, some Conservatives say that environmentalists want it all. Actually, we only want what’s left.
George W. is claiming that his tax cuts deserve credit for the economic turn-around. This really pisses me off. Bill Clinton used to pull the same crap and it is absolute bullshit. PRESIDENTIAL FISCAL POLICY RARELY HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH OUR ECONOMY. I am not an idiot. Please don’t treat me like one, you crooked, lying bastards.
Incidentally, Arnold is cutting spending in California.(See above) Get ready everybody cuz this is going to hurt. A-lot.
Our Friendly neighborhood President is also announcing plans for a moon base. One that will hopefully be a stepping stone for mankind’s journey to Mars.(I remember when Clinton announced a similar plan, and the Conservatives screamed bloody murder.)
Speaking of moon bases, perhaps we will finally discover where Saddam hid those elusive WMDs’.
When I see ads on TV, I can’t help it. We have guys selling beer dressed up like Samual Adams. We have women confiding in each other about douche (New, extra cleansing!) I can’t help myself.
That was someone’s big break into the industry. How pathetic. Almost as pathetic as the people in the penthouses of New York skyscrapers who think this crap up. It makes me laugh. Laugh out loud.
Never ever ever buy anything at Best Buy which might someday need customer service. Ever.
Here in Santa Rosa there was a difficulty when the city tried to put together a living nativity scene.
We couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin. (Ba-dum)
This is the fourth year in a row that car insurance is going up. The reason? Fraud.
The San Diego Chargers Football team is going to get a brand new stadium. The name? Petco Field.
Back when I was in High School....
Apparently it is all the rage now for High School girls to do girl on girl action. A fad, if you will.
I remember a guy on a bus once, back when I was in High School, who said, “Man you boys have it made. Look at these girls. Back when I was in High School, all the girls had buck teeth and glasses.”
I look at the girls now and I want to say to all the young men out there, “Fellahs, you sure have it made, why, back when I was in High School, all the girls had too much makeup, big hair, and braces.” Girl on girl action indeed. Why oh why was I born so early!!???
Hugh Heffner has extended an invitation to Britney Spears. He has decided to let her know that she would be welcome in his herd. I think he is down to only seven ho friends. Seven! Dude is clearly losing his touch.
Britney, by the way, was married, and then divorced agian, in a matter of about forty eight hours.
Question: how many days/ weeks/ months/ years/ before Britney checks in to the Betty Ford clinic. Send in your answers. Whomever is closest, wins a prize!!
Motley Crue’s Nikki Sixx has a new band out called Brides of Destruction.
I have always wanted to write a musical called ‘Queers of Destruction’. It would be about a roving band of gay men and women who would sneak up on unsuspecting straight people and have gay sex with them, thus turning them gay. Kind of like vampirism. The play would be accompanied by an orchestra and heavy metal band. Cool huh?
“Sometimes when I go to an Asian restaurant, I see all these short Asian people, and it makes me want to shout, AAAHHHH, GODZIRRAAAAAHH!!!!, just to see if they would run away, screaming.”
Former NBA basketball player, Tom Tolbert
Words to live by, by Ben Franklin:
“Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.”
Happy New Year Poople!!
Time to start paying off those credit cards. Chop chop!
Do you all remember those crappy jobs we all had after high school? Perhaps these phrases will refresh your memory.
I’m gonna take a ten.
Who is closing?
Will someone ring me out?
Close the door!
Who is doing the windows?
My till was short.
You haven’t filled your quota.
Great America, or Marine World for the company party.
Mandatory meetings.
Joe called in sick, you have to work tonight.
Yay, I got a twenty five cent raise!
Listen to your team leader.
But Friday and Saturday are our busiest nights!
You didn’t fill out your food coupon.
I’m gonna take a half.
Bring back any memories?
Think on this: What if ten minute breaks were forced upon our nations workers by the tobacco companies. What else are you going to do for ten minutes? Read?
Sometimes when I am working, am tired, and it is early this happens when I give out an invoice:
Immigrants will say: “You we-kome.”
I hear: “You want coffee?”
Or people will say:“Do I get a copy?”
I hear: “Do you want coffee?”
Funny how that works.
The newest thing going on in popular culture seems to be a phenomena that I call S.W.S or “Skank-Whore Syndrome.”
This Syndrome results in people getting famous by being as cheap and sleazy as they can. Most likely because they have nothing else to offer the world.
The latest victim of S.W.S.? Why, Paris Hilton of course.
S.W.S. victims over the years.
Dennis Rodman
Courtney Hole, oops, I mean Love.
Britney Spears
Destinies Ho’s (yikes)
Pamela Anderson, Lee, Rock
Anna Kournakova
Folks, is it all really worth it?
Do you know what I heard a doctor say on the radio when talking about holiday partying? She said that mixing alcohol and aspirin is a bad idea because it is extra hard on the liver. Who knew? I guess I was a little late on that bit of info. Sorry. I hope you are all okay.
Words to live by, by and old friend:
“If I thought this job was getting in the way of our marriage, I would have quit a long time ago.”
Words to live by, by another old friend:
“Moderation in all things, including moderation.”
Words to live by, by me:
“God does not wish to see which side of an issue we choose so much as how we approach it.”
Happy New Year!!