I was recently looking over a deck of nudey-girl playing cards. How is it possible to have fifty two pictures of naked chicks and not one single one of them was not totally disgusting? Actually there was only one that wasn’t totally disgusting. I think this was due to the fact that you couldn’t see all up in there, and she wasn’t making that fake take-me look that I guess some guys dig.
Now don’t get me wrong. Just in case any of you were wondering, I am a typical red blooded American male. I love chicks. They are absolutely beautiful to me. But when they lay back, or crawl around on all fours, put on too much make-up, spread out, and give a phoney do-me-now look, it just doesn’t work. What ever happened to beauty, eroticism, lighting, shading, etc. I guess all of that *#*%#-me stuff works for someone or they wouldn’t be making any money on stuff like that.
Always bring a broom if you go to the dump.
We recently got to watch Marysville’s finest in action. I suppose the “rave” is truly dead. This event was fairly pathetic. Hip-hop and kiddie trance doesn’t work together. Anyway some people got into a fight at the end just as we were leaving, and it must have been a slow night in Marysville, because you would think a full on riot had broken out. If I had been there to witness the whole thing I bet there were ten police cars there. As we made our way away there were four of them screaming towards the melee. Not to mention the three out front and the other three just around the corner.
Watching a cop try to be bad-ass while trying to fold up his telescoping beating tool is fairly amusing. He had one boot on a guy who was on the ground, handcuffed, and he kept pushing that thing into the ground. It wouldn’t collapse. He must have tried twenty times. Dude, buy American next time. Just what the hell is that thing anyway?
Atronomers have found a 'Super-Earth' orbiting a star some 50 light years away.
And now from around the globe, the myriad of FrankFiles correspondents have filed their reports. Do you believe it? If not, then kiss my ass!
Japanese designers have come up with what they claim is the perfect solution for the unattached woman - the boyfriend pillow. What about the girlfriend pillow? I guess blow-up dolls are sufficient for dudes. (I would call mine Blowinda, or Blowy, for short.)
The Devil checked from Hell last week. He left a comment in case you wish to know how he is doing. What it is, D.
A guy thought he has had HIV for the last twenty or so years. Oops the test results were wrong. Sorry dude. Try and see the bright side of the situation and not sue everyone. Not.
From Cambodia, they tell me a dog had a kitten. It must be a sign. Praise Buddha! (Or whatever)
A couple from Maryland have "raised" a Cabbage Patch doll as their only son for 19 years. It's the diaper-less kid. I'm in!!
An English woman has turned her back garden into a cemetery for 22 dead pets - and her late husband. (If carrots are good for the eyes, then are eyes good for carrots?)
A woman from New Hampshire has played a round of golf - using Mongolia as his course.
German anglers have turned out in force to try and catch a giant catfish that has eaten a pet dog.(Karma at work.)
Vintage aviation enthusiasts who left their plane in a farmer's field returned to find it being eaten by cattle.
A man suspected of a bank robbery in Ohio, was spotted leaving the area by his ex-wife.
An Indiana man has won a million dollars on a state lottery two days after divorcing his wife after he found her in bed with a neighbor. Hah ha! (Karma, again!)
A gang of armed robbers was caught on camera in Norway - by the makers of a porn film. Lights, camera, hot lesbian action!! (A gang being caught by a gang-bang.)
Norwegian men have reportedly become so fed up with not getting what they expected from the country's prostitutes that they have started rating them online. (I hereby rate you double D!!)
A bear in a Berlin zoo caused panic among visitors when he broke out of his enclosure and went straight for the children's playground. Don’t buy those kids a teddy bear for Christmas. They might start wetting the bed again.
A new species of "furry" shark which hops like a frog has been discovered in a German aquarium. (I believe the correspondent who filed this one is on crack.)
A lion with an ingrowing 'toenail' is keeping residents of a Brazilian town awake at night.
A Brazilian vet is offering plastic surgery and botox injections for pampered pets.
The world's first restaurant for cats is about to open in New York. I hope they serve 'Sheba'.
and ....
A plane was forced back to earth after a bad-tempered cat attacked the pilot.
My brain is hurting from trying to come up with funny things to say about all this stuff.
Later on.
Where have the FrankFiles been? Don’t ask so many questions! The FrankFiles will come out approximately whenever-the-hell I wish them too, and you will accept this, and live with it, and like it!
“Hi, I’m the shop-bitch, what’s your name?”, says the seventeen-year-old high-school kid at my work who showed me how the forklift worked. They won’t let him operate the power-tools or visit job-sites, but he does enjoy rolling around on the contraption that passes for a forklift. We also enjoy ordering him to clean up after all of us, which he cheerfully does.
Speaking of forklifts, why the hell would a supplier deliver ten sticks of six-inch-diameter steel pipe in a box truck and not a flat-bed?
Another dude at work, as it turns out, his Father-in-law, Pastor Mueller, married Skye and myself. “What’s up Byfield?”(Skye’s step-dad’s name), says he. “No, Mueller,” says I, “ Byfield would be my maiden name.”
I remember when I used to drive around in a work van that had the companies name emblazoned everywhere on the vehicle. We were told that someone had called the ‘how’s my driving’ hotline and said that one of our vans was so close that all they could see was a great big logo filling up their rear view mirror.(did I tell that one already?)
We were at the grocery counter recently snickering about the bruises on Paris Hilton’s face. Now normally I am the last guy to laugh at any woman who has been battered by any man, however, in this S.W.S. (skank whore syndrome) situation I just can’t help myself. That got me to thinking. I guess Paris is a great entertainer, being that we are greatly entertained by her plight.
Mrs. Hilton reportedly was at a boutique and didn’t want to wait in line for the changing room, so she pulls off her shirt right there in the store and changes in front of everybody. Ordinarily I would say, “yeah, free show,” but she doesn’t have much to show (yet).
I was doing my business on a mountainside far away from civilization recently, and it also got me to thinking. Wouldn’t that suck if my T.P. rolled down the cliff? Rocks!
By the way, don't forget about me (Crom "god of steel"), spinning house at butter on friday. Yay! Check Pixelbiscuit.com for more info and cool and wacky flyers.
The Kinocti Harbor resort and Spa has always been the place where rock bands go to die. Picture this: Joe Parry of Journey saying to the crowd “Konocti Harbor resort and Spa, you guys rock harder than anyone else in the whole wide world. Put your hands in the air and say, yeah!!”
The following are some of the country/western songs I hear in the shop:
Red-neck women
American soldier
Goin' to Cheyenne
Son of the South
Save a horse, ride a cowboy
(Yes this is all true. Yee-Haw!)
The Hollywood City Council is about to ban the discharge of the gooey aerosol 'silly string' in Hollywood on Oct. 31.
"I know we may think this is silly, but it is not silly to the storm drain system of Los Angeles, or to the ultimate destination, the ocean," said Councilman Tom LaBonge, whose district includes Hollywood.
I recently told all the red-necks that I work with: “Recycle, red-necks! It’s good for the bottle, it’s good for the can! You have an environmentalist in the house now!".
My HDTV box has arrived. So far I don’t see much difference. I was hoping that the Niners would look good regardless of how they played.
The Giants are rolling. Check out Noah Lowry. This kid is destroying the opposition and he’s only twenty three. Killing them. Humiliating them. Awesome!
“If it doesn’t have real drums, throw it away.”
-Me, a long time ago.
“You don’t know all the horrible things I done.”
-Jude Law in ‘Cold Mountain’.
“Law rules throughout existence, a Law that is not intelligent but intelligence.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson, Fate in the Conduct of life, 1860.
First off, I’M PLAYING AT BUTTER YAY! August twenty seventh. Be there! Don’t worry I won’t be playing techno. Just house.
Rest in peace, Superfreak. May you for ever par-tay-hey-hey-yow!
I got to operate a crane this week at work. It’s cool, kind of like a great big Tonka toy. Watch out for those wires though. You could risk serious injury or death if you don’t, so says the picture of a shadow with a lighting bolt through him.
How many people cant wait for the net half-shirt to come back into style.
Identity theft is a common problem. The banks and credit card companies are not watching out for you. If you get ripped off, it’s not their problem, it’s YOURS. Here are some of Franks fun tips on how to avoid getting your identity stolen, just in case you didn’t know them already:
1)Applications for new credit cards should first get shredded, then recycled.
2)Check your credit report about once a year.
3)Be vary careful about who you give your personal information to (only give it out if you have initiated contact, like making the phone call and never give it to anyone who calls you, or sends you an email).
4)Be smart. (I will not carry a check card because it doesn’t have a PIN on it.)
5)Don’t leave mail in the mailbox for long.(Our mailboxes got broken into, and I called the Post Office. So far I believe I am the only one on my street who knows this. I wonder how often that happens.)
6)Stay off the grid.(just kidding)
How many of you have dads or grandfathers who stored nails, tacks, screws and other assorted junk in coffee cans and mason jars in the garage? How many of you do that. How many of those jars ever get used?
Mary Kay Laturno is out of prison. You remember her, she had sex with her sixth grade student, got pregnant, went to jail, got out, had sex again, got pregnant again, went back to jail, and is now getting out...again! According to my sources, when they finally let her out there was a crowd of teenage boys out front waiting for her with signs that read, ‘take me home’, and the like. Now that's funny.
You know, even though many a teenage boy dreams about such things happening to them, If it were to happen, I don’t think it would be good, and besides, SIXTH GRADE! I’m sure that kid, with his two children, has adjusted just fine, at twenty one years old.
Speaking of adjustments, it has taken some adjusting to change from driving a big van, to driving a big utility-truck complete with side boxes and pipe racks. While driving away from one job site I looked in the mirror and saw nothing but white metal. I thought, ‘wow, I should adjust this mirror I can’t see jack’. Then realized I was driving away with one of the side bins open. 'So that’s why I can’t see. Now I understand.'
Why would a grocery store bagger load a package of sliced Swiss cheese into the same bag as two frozen pizzas?
Several days after going grocery shopping I found a tub of sort-of-butter- rolling around in the back of my truck. About a week later the Swiss cheese turned up in between the two boxes of frozen pizza-in the freezer, of course.
Have any of you out there in computer land ever used a skill-saw on a hot day, without a shirt on? If you have you know how it turns out.
If you own a camper shell, let me give you a word of advice. The sticky tape that goes between the bed and the shell, goes sticky side up, not down.
What is up with those green cans of powdered “Parmesan cheese”? What is that stuff really? Why do we eat it?
“Let us agree not to step on each other’s feet, said the cock to the horse.”
-Anonymous (English proverb)
“Necessity knows no law”
-Publilius Syrus, Moral Sayings, 1st Cent. BC
“Men are horny. Women are hungry.”
-Gallagher
By the way, If I start to repeat myself, let me know. Out.
Skye had one job on her list of prospective employers. She sent out one resume, got one interview, and now, my happy friends and family, you will be glad to know, she starts a week from Monday.
What is the purpose of buying trail mix with M&M’s in it, if you just pick out all the M&M’s and eat them first?
Has anyone else ever wondered if Magic Johnson has a magic johnson?
Our cat had some teeth pulled and the Vet gave Skye some medication for her. If it had been me I would have asked the Vet if it was special-K just for kicks.
A Catholic priest and nun have been caught having sex in a car at an airport car park in Malawi.
Nearly 200 pigs escaped onto a busy road in Austria after the truck carrying them turned over.
Parents are turning to soaps to find names for their children.
A Louisiana man who went up to police to chat about stupid criminals was himself arrested when the officer noticed marijuana sticking out of his pocket.
International animal rights groups are urging Thailand to ban orangutang kick-boxing fights that are being staged at a Bangkok safari park.
CNN's coverage of John Kerry's acceptance speech at the Democratic Convention was marred by the accidental broadcast of expletives from a technician.
An Indiana man has won a million dollars on a state lottery two days after divorcing his wife after he found her in bed with a neighbor.
GLOC:
“Where Zen ends, ass kickin’ begins.”
-Hyde from That 70s show
“There’s material enough in a single flower for the ornament of a score of cathedrals”
-John Ruskin, The Stones of Venice, 1851,53
Man I’m tired. My new job is kickin’ my ass. Late.